By: John

John
Mon, 09 Mar 2015 20:57:40 +0000

When I consider all of the problems at this public, land-grant state school, there’s always one thing that tops the list: not enough corporate sponsorship. Thank the Lord we have a cracker jack team like Abby & Abby running so that we can get to the bottom of this seriously debilitating issue. Quite frankly, I don’t know how we have lasted this long without one. The proof that private company/institution of learning relationships are mutually beneficial is everywhere: Privatization of parking on campus, for instance, has worked wonders so far, and we can only expect things to get better as rates begin to rise as per the contract.

But why stop at just some airline? To really get things going, we should have big billboards for Monster, Kickstart, the newest Victoria’s Secret lineup (thanks Wex) right on the Oval. We should take in money from as many companies as we can and rename the Thompson the Coca-Cola Doritos Book Palace in their honor. If we play our cards right, maybe we can even have everyone’s First Year Experience package include a copy of the newest Call of Duty and a subscription to Birch Box or Loot Crate. This is the university that we as Americans truly deserve.

And also God bless the USG bylaws that revoke tuition fees for these two–they truly deserve it. I, for one, think it’s an absolutely appropriate prioritization of funds to make sure that two special girls in Greek life from middle-to-upper class families get free rides while adjunct faculty working 80 hours a week can literally not afford to pay their rent. Their situations might be unfortunate, but hey, at least we all get to share in the far-reaching and variegated benefits that fall out of the USG tree. Here’s to hoping that airline partnership pans out, ladies!